Intro
How do I begin? For the past year and a half I struggled extensively with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, my overall mental health and many other personal growing pains and issues. The combining factors of not only transitioning from college to (semi-) adulthood, but moving to such a unique and relatively unknown town abroad in England — and struggling to keep my dreams and goals afloat in the midst of numerous lockdowns and a global pandemic — had taken its toll on me. I understand many of us had distinctive (yet sometimes collective) plights through this pandemic, and I would like to give you a little glimpse into mine.
Truth was: I was not okay. There’s no way around it. I can’t sugar-coat the fact that I lost confidence in my identity. And if you didn’t know my pain (maybe because you might have only seen my life this past year through the lens of some form of social media) then I apologize for the false impression you may have gotten. We only present a certain image of ourselves online, and I guess this is my way of rectifying my lack of vulnerability to those that care and follow my life. It has not been some simple, straight path to specific goals and even more special experiences that you might imagine: I contributed to this exhaustive social media culture (that I abhor most days) where despite the pain and brokenness that we are dealing with, we always want to rush to present a version of ourselves that may not always be accurate to a bunch of strangers. There are some individuals who are well-aware of the types of trials I endured over the past year, yet I still think others do not have a clear picture. It is even more important for me to be authentic and candid as a Black man as I am in a demographic with those who have historically not processed pain well — or been transparent with revealing our own mental health battles as effectively as we should. A combination of the conflicts I have faced has given me the false notion that there is some sort of countdown, or figurative timer eagerly being ready to expire and cheapen my ambitions and goals in life. Although I am still identifying and working through many of my own personal issues, I can proudly say that I have overcome so many demons that revealed themselves this past year.
Many assume my recent season or life was some sort of straight-line journey to “living my best life” in Europe or whatever.
Far from it.
There were some low, low points where I’d be looking at myself in the mirror and literally asking, “How TF did we even get here?” Emotions I had to face that I didn't even know I had; there was an internal conflict raging inside of me that was there all along but was suppressed through superficial means or trivial pursuits. Ironically, the transition from school only exposed it. Yet I kept trying to hide. This has been an intense and authentic journey of “getting honest” with myself: A journey of loving myself, renewing my purpose and recognizing and appreciating the little life-moments (which end up as big life-moments!) such as waking up every day with a desire to live and lift up those around us. I didn’t ask for some of these obstacles or have even a clue that they would hit me the way they did -- but, it is what it is. That’s life for you, bro. Some stuff will come at you out of nowhere, no doubt, but our true strength and resilience lies in how we respond. True happiness is earned as we “roll with the punches,” embracing all the strife, and still finding a way to live with ourselves, with true purpose. And, man, I won’t lie now and say everything is “all behind me” either because it’s not. As stated previously, I’m still working on myself and I am not ashamed to reveal that. A lot of people are but they’re too busy upholding a perception of themselves that seems to have it all together. Screw all that, dawg. Life’s way too short. You are who you are. If people wanna accept that, then let them. I think it is now an important part of my journey to reveal to anyone who cares. As a wise man said: To heal is to reveal. So, my hope is for you to take something or merely learn from my story and mistakes thus far.
Transitioning from College
I don’t know how to explain the feeling of leaving college other than it feels like this huge safety net is ripped out from under you. I’ve had this conversation with so many of my friends. For so many in college, the lifestyle is only a reflection of reality: you can joke off, sleep in, party, grab food or late night snacks from your campus convenience store, and trust me, you can still get by, even if you show up to some classes 12 minutes late with a plate of food from your cafeteria ;). You got advisors and people virtually tending to your every need, and depending on your situation your parents are there at every step, especially financially. Not saying that all these specifically applied to me, but once you graduate and transition to whatever sort of new chapter, I feel like the margin of error is a lot thinner. It's like if you screw up, there are more realistic repercussions whether that be financial or legal etc… For some, the transition is pretty seamless, and for others, boy does it hurt. But despite where you are there still is a transition and if you don’t anticipate it, it will hit you HARD… and boy did it hit me ahaha. I won’t go into every detail from my transition from Rollins to semi/early adulthood or wherever I’m at now because realistically I’m still dealing with some open wounds and issues from months and years prior. But I will say this: don’t take this period of time for granted if you’re still in college and reaping the benefits of a college life. Trust me: as one of my close friends and I said on multiple occasions: to pull up to the cafeteria or whenever to eat whatever you want and not have to worry about grocery bills or anything is a blessinggggg. Man, the worst of your issues, is that the mid - term exam? Study up fam, you chillin.
But here’s the next part: when you are transitioning, embrace those growing pains that will undoubtedly come and be hard man. Some days it may feel like you can’t catch a break, and can’t do anything right, but realistically it’s just growing pains. I struggled (and of course am still figuring everything out), but my self - esteem was lowered daily by these pains. I felt like a failure because I took so many things for granted and didn’t realize life was going to throw so many new obstacles at me. For someone who could be labeled as book smart, I felt like the stupidest person on earth at times, but trust me, this is a common occurrence. So many people struggle when leaving college, don’t let anyone fool you like the transition was light. One of my good friends suggested a book called The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter- and how to make the most of them now, by Dr. Meg Jay, who is a renowned psychologist. She talks about how making adult decisions, whether big or little, is one of the key factors in achieving happiness during this time. Sometimes you screw up entirely; but your failures and mistakes are your greatest teachers, and they are not permanent (aha well some can be depending on the situation… but you get the point). You live and you learn, so embrace the change, and the anxiety and the growing pains that might occur. That change in identity as you move on to semi or whatever sort of adulthood and the many pains that may follow (I also am specifically referencing the pains I further experienced which will be touched on farther down), will hurt. They will. I don’t know how else to put it. But at the end of the day, take each failure as a lesson and “keep moving forward” as Scott Miscudi said
The last thing I want to touch on about this is of course the occupational part and aspect of social media (which will be expanded upon even more further down). When you graduate from college or whatever people will give such superficial or general advice, the: “you’ll figure it out” or “do what your passionate about,” but that only goes so far. Only some will give you the technical details into the actual process. The hardened journey. First off, if you know what you wanna do once you graduate college and land that dream job or attend your dream grad school, congrats! Or hey, maybe you’re like so many of our older parents (please note the generational differences and outlooks on all the topics) and secure a job and work for the company for 40 years and retire (even though that’s highly unlikely nowadays and I don’t feel like citing sources because I’m sick of academia). But chances are, there are gonna be some bumps along the road when figuring it out and THAT'S OK. Like truly and honestly. NOONE should have their freakin life figured out at 22 or 23, so I call cap on whomever puts up the perception that they do. Maybe I’m guilty of this too, but I believe my graduating class was hit hard with this immensely, especially considering the start of this pandemic. Many of us were (are) struggling with whatever random part - time jobs we could find because of the virtually obsolete job market and felt (feel) like failures in the midst of this. Personally, I felt like that timer on my life was ticking away; but realistically everyone goes at their own pace on their own journey. Social media exacerbated this feeling. I’d see so many people getting jobs or getting accepted into whatever grad schools, while I was struggling to figure out my next step in life; and of course this was while balancing all these odd part - time jobs I kept picking up. I felt rushed. I felt like the biggest imposter because some of my previous successes realistically led me to think that I could only achieve accomplishments on a specific level, but that’s not true at all. That little voice in my head was killing me. But the part I hate most about myself is that I contributed to this culture, once I figured out what I was doing. I think its important to keep your friends and family or whoever updated through social media or whatever, but there’s a balance to all of it. I am letting anyone who reads this know: I don’t have it all figured out, but I am committed to the grind or discovering that purpose and next step every breathing moment of every single day. Some days may be great, while others may be poor -- but through and through I know the best for me is yet to come and my growing pains and failures only make me stronger; they don’t ultimately define me, how I react to them does.
Durham Difficulties
Alright well of course while I’m making all these stupid decisions in my attempt to being an independent adult for the first time in my life, I’m also trying to process the fact that I’d be moving to completely NEW country. Oh yeah, and to make it all better, that transition would be to a little remote town in Northern England that many people mistook as London aha.
First: If you are getting ready to study abroad, or move overseas, brace yourself for any sort of uncertainty surrounding your visa processing… Good Lord. Don’t know about other governments and schools, but to say the UK government and Durham University were slow with confirming my attendance at the school would be an understatement. So besides the anxiety, and anger that came along with the fact that I was late for classes, training -- the worst part was: I pretty much couldn’t get in contact with anyone regarding my information at my school or the U.K. government. Ultimately, the pressure from those all around me in moving forward with their lives on social media caused way too much unneeded worry, anxiety, resentment, and jealousy.
When my visa finally came back unexpectedly, I had about a day to pack up and leave. I obviously thought coming to the UK would be my big break; to be realistic, I was looking forward to it being my escape from the states. In addition to so much going on personally, the protest and everything that occurred in summer of 2020 was mentally exhausting. I was prepared to escape to this direct path of mine to a new chapter of excitement, journey, and most importantly along with new accomplishments and goals. I had my bucket list of places I wanted to explore, aspirations regarding schools and basketball, and of course as an extrovert, was simply elated by the idea of the amount of people I would meet. This was/is a once in a lifetime experience for all I knew and I was fully ready to embrace it. Getting on that plane, I couldn’t process all the emotions I was trying to juggle, but I did know that I felt like I was truly fulfilling my purpose, and the journey that I felt like my life would be heading. After all the months of unexpectancy and worry, in addition to the low self - esteem, anger, and resentment I was feeling towards so many people due to so many things going on, I felt like moving to the UK would be that escape. I had this crazy expectation that when I wasn’t training I’d be in a different European country every week; I’d be somewhere exploring, playing ball, head deep in some museum, but boy if I only knew...
Arriving here, just like so many other International students, we were already 2 to 3 weeks behind on classes because of the limited access we had while being abroad; and the help we would receive to catch up on these courses was dismal and pathetic. If anyone from Durham University staff is reading this: you did A TERRIBLE JOB AT PROVIDING SUBSTANTIAL AND MEANINGFUL SUPPORT FOR YOUR INTERNATIONAL SCHOLAR STUDENTS. But anyways, I digress; after the two week “quarantine,” I was ready to get life moving. That imaginary timer was just ticking away, and the pressure of moving forward with my life was real. So many people back home had all these expectations of the experiences I would be having and were readily expecting pictures and social media posts, and I wanted to fulfill all of that -- not only for me, but for those expecting it. Welp, I had about two weeks of that before the country went back into its lockdown. I had to catch up on all my courses, and to make it even worse, I was dealing with a knee injury and re-injured it in my first practice out of “quarantine.” So pretty much all my dreams and aspirations were put on hold -- once again. I can’t even begin to express the struggle of being someone who is ambitious and extroverted and being locked down in a place like Durham. I was grateful for the fact that they spoke English, even if those northern accents were barely distinguishable (sheesh, communicating with masks was a bigger struggle than you think); and also the fact that a lot of products at stores were similar to those back home, but it was a struggle. Having to walk a couple miles up and down hills, (yes even when it was raining or snowing….) just for basic groceries, toiletries or to attend practice or meet people because we were all spread out across town, really wore me down. Obviously, there’d be an adjustment moving anywhere abroad, but in reality, being ordered to stare at my wall, without anything to do with the ensuing infamous winter months starting in the UK hurt me. I barely knew anyone, and wasn’t “technically” allowed to even go meet anyone (aha), while also living with 4 weird guys from different parts of the US (love y'all boys). I think this was around the time I could feel myself slipping into depression.
There’s been times in my life where I’ve been sad or just been down, but never would outright say I was depressed, but man, that first lockdown in the UK occured -- my sleep schedule (already irregular as some of you could attest) made it even worse. It got hard to establish a regular schedule because I was barely adjusted to the time difference in the first place. There would be days that would go by and I wouldn’t see the sun, and certain days I would be up for 24 hours straight. I would be doing anything just to achieve some sort of happiness. And God forbid me thinking back to the many days I would be waking up and struggling to get out of bed, ultimately wondering: what was the point of even waking up? My lowest points arrived. As the days progressed, I began to question my purpose and self - worth. I initially felt like my life was leading me over here as the next step in my career progression but I began to question everything then. Realistically, I doubted my purpose,and identity. I doubted everything. I thought my aspirations and goals were meaningless and done for. Every demon and insecurity that I’d been struggling with over the years seem to come back to the surface. This is when I become depressed for the first time?? Locked away in small town Durham? Those days began to blend in and seemed to be the longest of my life. If there was any environment to destroy someone's self confidence and will; this was ultimately it. I seemed so worthless. Not able to do anything but here I was supposed to be “living my best life.” People would always be hitting me up asking how I was doing, but I don’t know how tf people who always see you as confident, lively and driven don’t recognize the state I was in for a while. Maybe I just did a good job covering it up and wasn’t transparent online or whatever? I wasn’t myself during this time…. like at all. I'm sure a lot of people might condescendingly/ignorantly state “oh well why didn’t you just go home” lol.... if it was only that easy. On top of the expenses the UK gov was putting on people to leave, and the fact that many people that got a taste of the states never or didn’t wanna come back, and so many other things I don’t wanna go into detail about, but bottom line: it wasn’t an easy situation.
In addition: the impact of some deaths and funerals of certain loved ones of mine while being abroad also contributed to the state I was in. I think it’s safe to say that we all struggle with the concepts and meaning behind deaths either expected and unexpected, and the grief that comes with it. Realistically it’s been something I’ve been struggling with for years. When certain events took place and I wasn’t there, it also impacted me. Being on video calls etc w/ family and friends just isn't the same. It gave me a sense of FOMO, hopelessness, and loneliness, while also contributing to this certain anxiety I was dealing with. That timer in my life just kept ticking away with every death. More into my Mental Health Struggles
Those days when I’d be so deprived and questioning the meaning of my life, thinking it was worthless, and there was no point in me carrying on, were the worst. Straight up. I mean hey, lackluster wifi, terrible phone service, in addition to having to walk a mile plus into town through the blistering cold rain or an inch of snow just to get some dam groceries -- what do you expect? I was so used to this active lifestyle of mine, but when I was struggling to get out of bed until nightfall I knew something had to be up. Even when I’d finally get out of bed, I be like “well what’s the point…” You see where this is going? I’m just trying to walk you through my headspace at the time. I didn’t realize the type of effect this stuff had on me day by day, even now. I am still mourning, and am impacted by those former versions of myself.
I know some people are gonna be like “oh well you should’ve reached out” blah blah blah or “well if anything ever happens like this again reach out,” but in reality so many people are fake. That’s kind of cynical huh? But yeah I just feel like people only say stuff because they feel bad for you or they give advice they won’t even take themselves. I definitely expressed myself to certain individuals, that I trust and others were able to read me pretty well. There were days when I felt like my life had plateaued. My best days were in the past. I was the biggest imposter, and that bubbling insecurity finally caught up with me. My goals were snatched. I had been thrown into this imaginary jail cell, both mentally and physically and I couldn’t break out. So yeah, if there was ever a time I’d even contemplate the idea of ending it all, it was then.. I was listening to an interview with Lecrae and he talked about a time when he encountered depression and it just seemed as if a filter was over his life and couldn’t remove it. He couldn’t find a way to appreciate the little things and I couldn’t agree more.
Crazy thing is I consider myself to be pretty positive and full of life usually. Even when I was struggling badly, I would try to find ways to look at the bright side, and opportunities for growth. But the worst part is: I would be doing the craziest stuff just to feel happiness, such a trivial feeling, and I am not proud of a lot of the stuff I did. What I failed to realize, at least for myself, is that no matter the good or bad days, if I am able to feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose then I am happy. I felt so alone at so many points when I wasn’t, but we never are. This was a journey to rediscover myself and my voice.
Social media
One of the worst things was the impact on social media on all of this. This may sound dumb, but I was feeling such a great pressure to take a bunch of cool pictures and post it just to try and show people I’m having a good time in Europe or whatever. Even when I did get to travel I was still affected by all of this. I don’t know, maybe someone else can relate to this: but at times I couldn’t even enjoy certain sites or monuments without feeling the need to post to seem like my life is cool or something. Sounds stupid right? But I was measuring my self worth and value based off of the limited experiences we share online. Social media is this constant battle and competition that you CAN NEVER WIN; IG, Linked, all that cap bro. Don’t get me wrong, they’re dope platforms to stay connected and updated with those that you love or networking etc… but there’s balance fam, and it's an inconsistent and an unreliable place to gain self - esteem. It’s NOT a real place. I learned that through this journey too, which is why I’ve tried shutting off my notifications, and stopped scrolling as much. Logging online, there’d be so much going on that I started getting anxiety from it. And it pains me to see so many people weeping the rewards from an amount of likes or comments or repost, but screw all that bruh forreal, I don’t know how else to put it. And yes I was/am sadly a part of that, but don’t want to be anymore. Something it took me a while to put together was that on the days I would feel somewhat a little happier, and at peace, I’d log on and see something that would tear me back down. I remember a day in which I was already struggling, and I probably logged on to look or post stuff to boost my self - esteem, but instead I found out my friend died.
Life isn’t all flowers and nobody has a life better than your own. I was stuck in this figurative jail cell while others were out doing their thing. I was like “dang, I could've stayed in Orlando if I knew it was gonna be like this.” I already alluded to this, but when I was feeling down on myself I may have posted or done something in which I know I would have seemed cool and people would have commented or something. Stupid me. But at the end of the day, the only self-assurance I need is the assurance and confidence I get when I wake up and look in the mirror. That’s really all that matters and of course the assurance that I am fulfilling God’s purpose for me. If I feel like I’ve gotten their approval then I can go to bed at night with a little less anxiety or pressure. Some people may be like “well everyone's not a Christian Jakobi,'' okay but either way, everyone was placed on this earth for a purpose and reason. If you can wake up and align yourself with whatever that is, along with whatever you believe in, then there’s your answer to me. Live everyday like it could be your last and stop taking life for granted. Social Media is not a real place, so live your truth, and don’t compare it to anyone else’s.
Conclusion
There’s a lot of different things I could get into and expand on, but I feel like this is a good starting point, and my main points are across. I may write some more blogs in the future.
Bottom line: while I always ask myself “what if;” everything has already happened. I am who I am because of it, and I choose to continue to acknowledge and reflect to grow stronger. “This is the new me so get used to me,” as Kanye said or whatever. There are some things for myself that will never be the same, and a lot of things I am not proud of. When life gets tough: face down those demons, your rawest thoughts, deepest insecurities, drives, motivations, everything. Because as much as we hate it, tough situations give us a chance to reflect and grow, as hard and insurmountable it may seem. There is a reason I got 2 Corinthians 4:16 - 18 tattooed on my arm. This too shall pass. The good, bad, and ugly. In the grand scheme, all of it is temporary. People come and go. Even the ones you love dearly. The bad times will be hard but they will eventually pass. And even in some capacity that they don’t, you were literally created with the ability to rise and adjust and continue to move forward. The daily inflictions that we face, only renew us and make us greater eternally. You won’t be given a battle you can’t handle. Control what you can control and push through. This isn’t me giving you a life manuscript, it’s just my own reflections, raw thoughts, and trials, and hopefully it will touch someone that may be struggling, or about to face a battle that may push them in ways they couldn’t imagine.
Wake up every day and imagine your purpose in the world and the reason you’re on earth. Visualize the best version of yourself executing that goal, and improving on the daily. Focus on that every day in everything you do. Those thoughts will manifest themselves into your personality and habits. Radically investing in myself has realistically changed my outlook on life. If there is no enemy within then the enemy outside cannot hurt you. You’re fearfully and wonderfully created. There’s no-one on the earth like you so stop trying to freakin fit in. Your goals, and aspirations are your own, so be proud to be you, because that’s why everyone loved you in the first place. The Sun is brighter on the other side and your struggles only make you stronger. You didn't work this hard to only get this far. These challenges are a phase in life. There's another mountain to climb. There’s more to accomplish. There’s more people to inspire. You just gotta put one foot in front of the other when it gets hard and eventually you'll see the peak of that other destination. In your moments of pain, there's always something to be appreciated for, and someone looking for you to persist.
As I conclude, I will confidently state that I am a follower of Christ. So many verses, sermons and passages, to this day, have been a crux for my growth. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention some of the other measures I’d use to heal and grow throughout this time. Interviews, podcasts, books etc... If you made it through the blog and want to reach out to me personally, to talk: my line is open, and our conversations will stay confidential.
I also wanna send love to so many family members, old friends, newly found friends and generally anyone who prayed for me, thought of me, or of course simply talked with me. I may have not called you crying or may not have seemed sad on the phone, or even in - person, but just know that those random facetimes, Zoom calls, messages, walks, or conversations would uplift me tremendously. Am I still homesick? Yes. Still healing and growing? Of course. But so many people that I stay connected with, have made some of the experiences and emotions I have been dealing with so much more bearable.
Lastly, specifically shout out to the boys from 302. Lol, if you guys choose to read this. Man, it should’ve been a dam crime to throw us all in that flat in Ustinov together the way they did. I think it goes without saying that we lifted each other up all the time. I can remember so many days coming out in the kitchen and just seeing the deprived lifelessness in all of our eyes. On so many of those days when I’d be struggling to get outta bed, we’d end up in the kitchen talking for hours about God knows what -- or somewhere in Durham or the UK doing who knows what haha. Manchester Johnnnnnnnnn. Despite so many moments of pain, there are countless memories with you guys that are undoubtedly irreplaceable; and some of my favorites to this day hands down. Sending love to all four of you because whether we like it or not, this past 9 months will forever keep us inextricably bonded. Well if we want to of course…. You know, like communicating with each other…. Not only when we need something or… nvm I’m done lolllll
Kobra Out.