Intro
About one year ago, I thought fate had finally struck its course. I was walking out of the Roman Colosseum, on Kobe Bryant’s birthday and received a call from an agent. I then agreed to move to Croatia in 5 days to finally start my rookie season -- I was beyond excited… but I was entirely unaware that I would actually be deciding to move to London less than 17 hours later. Nonetheless, my life as a professional basketball player was soon to begin.
The lessons I have uncovered in my first pro - year echo the same messages that we are coached in everyday life. And let me tell you, one familiar recitation that always seems to arise is: Never get too high and never get too low. Any professional athlete knows the euphoria you gain from a deal in negotiation, certain opportunities arising, or maybe even the high performances you’ve achieved in a recent streak of games. But we also know that it could all turn in the blink of an eye -- the deal falling through your hands, or the game where all of the sudden you just can’t seem to find yourself. Now I’m not telling you in your happy moments to always expect a bad day, all I’m saying is this: have the self - awareness to face and relish each emotion at that moment. Life and athletics seem to have a cyclical nature that mirrors themselves and I am here to give you a brief look at particular highs and lows, as I journeyed from a small town in Northern England to the biggest city in Western Europe.
The Highs
My whole year in Durham, all I did was work to attain that dream of finally playing professional basketball. It was that intimate thought that drove me out of bed when I felt like I couldn’t move. As I looked on from afar, many of my peers seemingly achieved the goal I so desperately wanted… the goal I so desperately needed -- they signed their first pro contracts or continued their pro careers all across the world. I felt trapped. Only my faith during that year powered the confidence that I’d eventually break through. It seemed as if my intentions of going to Durham for only a quick transition after college to complete my academic aspirations, ultimately backfired. From all the phenomenal feats I was able to achieve athletically in my college career, the year-off gap in my basketball resume seemingly overshadowed all of it to multiple teams and agencies.
Upon my decision change and call to adventure in London, England, I don’t know any other word to describe my emotion coming down than pure elation. Man…. the amount of tension I felt lift off my shoulders… a year of built-up frustration and resentment… anxiety, despair, and uncertainty -- and God forbid I tell you guys of the last house we lived in while in Durham (a literal trap house; thanks JOHN). The only reason I ever came to Europe was because I felt like I was being called to fulfill my purpose, and on that LNER (railroad company in the UK) train ride down from Northern England, it seemed like I was finally making steps in the right direction.
After signing, I sincerely thought “Man I made it! I did it!” and everything would fall into place. I slowly realized, that as good as life is, in simplistic terms: there’s always something. But it comes down to how big you make it. There were still and still are many lessons to discover, so my signing was just the commencement. There are always pros and cons to every situation in life, so out of respect for my previous club, I’m gonna highlight the positives that will be important to consider if any of you are looking to play professionally overseas.
For one thing: I was blessed with a great situation. I had American coaches and owners, who could personally relate to my background and made every payment on time. In addition to that, I had a great group of teammates and staff who were young, unique, and some very similar to myself in ways. There were other American players with dual citizenship, as well as guys who were foreign but played collegiately in the states. Some of my former teammates gave me advice and guidance that I will cherish to this day. I was also granted the opportunity to be involved in the local university basketball program. I coached, mentored, and befriended a lot of individuals who were actually around my age so I fit right in — probably too well at times, hahaha. Everything seemed to be working well. I just felt good, and ultimately still do. I was extremely blessed to not only be surrounded by phenomenal basketball players and even greater individuals; but I also gained some valuable allies along the way.
Furthermore, of course, I was in London. I’m sure many of you have heard me gripe on and on about some of the negatives of the city, but altogether I was in London man. A city probably a little too big for itself but a social, cultural, and political capital of the freakin’ world. While there were many aspects of it I abhorred, I truly cherished the significance of the city. I’m also sure my flatmates were amazed by the number of museum trips I pulled on our days off.
Above all, something that was truly special for me was that a lot of good friends and family from home and abroad came and saw me because of the accessibility of the region. Many of the friends I made at Uni (British vernacular for college) were able to drop in and attend home and away games as well. One of my good American friends from 302 (our original flat number in Durham), came down to spend Christmas with me. Later down the line, I was even able to go see him play in the championship competition of his current league. In my moments of getting homesick, or even feeling lonely throughout the season, it always seemed as if a friend would show up at the right time. Many overseas players don’t get to experience what I was able to.
Don’t Get Too Low
Subsequently, in spite of so many blessings, positivity, and “highs,” there were many trials waiting for me as I crossed the threshold into professional basketball. For the first time in my life, basketball was strictly a business. Overall, at times throughout the season, I felt as if my confidence and swagger were knocked. It’s probably something only I could observe unless you’re a close confidant. Obviously, if you’ve read my first blog, you know my time in England didn’t start out the easiest; so if you combine coming straight from that into a rookie pro season, it’s natural to encounter many internal conflicts. There were times when I wasn’t having as much fun with the game. It wasn’t a go-out-and-compete sort of thing like I’m known for. Doing so out of love, pure adrenaline, and passion. I went from being the underdog my whole life, flipping the table on people and their expectations, to coming to this horrific spot where I’m like: “Don’t screw this up Kob.”
Dawg — you can NEVER approach anything like that. I put too much pressure on myself. Was too tense. I let negative thoughts about myself magnify because of the conditions I was new to face. In addition, I can tell all of you this: you are not home. I came to the realization that I’m not playing in front of all my family and friends like before. Where I deliberated over film with my Dad after games. It’s not like you have that cool head coach who’s really rooting for you and can criticize you while building you up at the same time. While my conditions weren’t as hostile as a lot of other overseas basketball players out there, it was still different.
Consequently, the pressure I put on myself manifested in the emotions I’d have after games; I’d be too hard on myself because I didn’t achieve a specific statistical glory. On many occasions, I would play well, but I would always find some sort of stat or play, to make myself feel less accomplished. I’ll touch on that more later, but I would literally strip the fun from basketball by this perception of overbearing pressure. I can’t even lie when I say that my greatest opponent has always been me. Which has made me ponder: When did I become my own biggest critic versus my own biggest fan? Only I have been the one to diminish my love and ability on the court because of my drive to ascend to new levels of success. It's a mental battle I have been struggling with for years, but I think all serious competitors do. I was letting the adversity and change of environment affect the perception I had of myself on the court. Other factors like gym access and consistent routines before games and practices, were a huge wake-up call for me and only contributed to the adversity. The season is much longer than college, so the imposter syndrome kept creeping hard throughout it. I also didn’t realize the impact of the last year and a half -- the personal battles I had off the court were having a significant effect on my self - esteem. It’s quite sad actually. Lol. A player like me with all the work I’ve invested into my craft. All those long walks to the gym through the snow in Durham. The day when I actually passed out in the gym because I literally pushed myself to exhaustion. The blood given to this game through it all; the people I’ve impacted, to be feeling like this?
Through those days of an immense amount of frustration and bitterness, I relapsed back into that psychological state of: Why am I here? Should I have gone somewhere else? I’m better than this. I deserve more. What’s the point? And as much as I hate to admit it: sometimes I had a victim's mindset. I focused on what I didn’t have, the lack of court access or game preparation, among many other problems I won’t elaborate on in this public blog. It’s important to recognize you’re a product of your environment. I know a lot of overseas guys grapple with similar concerns; that constant thought of thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Those thoughts of being in a better country, making more money in a better league, or maybe even playing for a different coach; instead of focusing on the blessing, it is to just be compensated for doing something solely for what you love…. in a whole other country at that. Man. What’s that J. Cole song? Love Yourz.
But when the days get tough, and the lows get hard, it all comes down to two things: purpose, and facing every emotion for what it is. Knowing why you do what you do. And on the latter point, not shying away from the wide range of emotions that materialize. I constantly had to tell myself who are you impacting? When I actually stepped back, and realized the work I was doing; spreading my knowledge and experience to others who have never been accustomed to high-level basketball — nonetheless from an American at that? I was there for a reason, and no one can take that away. Maya Angelou’s esteemed quote stands true: “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
To some of your dismay, a constant reminder I needed was this: don't take the games too seriously, this is the easier part. So much in life is hard. We’ve worked so hard in the off-season to now get to the fun part. Don’t you realize that? All those early mornings? Late nights? It's a GAME. Enjoy it. Now I only direct this to players that are similar to me… some of you really do need to take the game a little more seriously -- ahahaha. But yeah, losses are lessons. Everything in this game is. You can’t focus too much on them or hang your head too low. Focus on the opportunities for growth. Everyone loses man; has rough games, and could've done better, but it all means you're growing. Remember to rely on the greatness that is naturally bred within you because focusing on that will always give you hope; the greatest winners, businessmen, or whoever have. What matters is your response to those setbacks in season. And even better, if you win, realize someone is coming for your head. Success is never final and failure is never fatal. Don’t be content at your high, and don’t hang your head too low. The hero feels down at all parts of their journey. You just keep pounding away.
Additionally, from this industry, I realized an even more defined observation on purpose. When you have that sense of purpose and self- worth, others can’t treat you in just any sort of way. You won't keep selling yourself short. It’s the motivating factor that keeps us in pursuit of our goals, past those doubts and insecurities; it elevates us and allows us to see the best in ourselves and others.
Validation Illusions
Lastly, I want to specifically touch on the challenge of validation and exposure that I have personally confronted, but also address its contributions to where the game is heading altogether. Now keep in mind, this is coming from someone who has spent extensive time working with the youth in multiple countries. These comments also come from a place where I have only recently arrived back in U.S. after a nearly two-year hiatus, so I have seen factors evolving from a different perspective.
Anyhow, it’s so easy in today's age to get caught up in posting stats and seeking the recognition of society’s acceptance; ok, realistically social media’s acceptance. Ironic that I’m saying that because I know and preach that social media is not a real place. The social media factor has always had a presence, but it becomes a little different when you’re the import and the perception is you have to perform flawlessly every single game. You’re constantly looking over your shoulder, constantly comparing, and if you let your mental get there: constantly worrying about things that are out of your control.
But just love and commit to your work. I had some games this year, where I feel like I performed tremendously. Maybe it was because of scoring, rebounding, or maybe it was the key 50 - 50 balls I got, or the defensive assignments I completed; but if I didn’t see my name on certain news outlets, the pride I took in myself and my game was diminished….. which got me eventually thinking: who the hell cares? Since when in my life did I ever need validation from anyone based upon the successful work and preparation I commit to; and yes this is about basketball, but also everything. Being an underdog my whole life, I’m used to being overlooked and proving people wrong, but this past season it was really revealed how much this specific matter bothered me sometimes.
More importantly, as I see where the game is heading, where so many middle schoolers, are getting highlight tapes -- and no I’m not hatin’ in any way -- I think the exposure is incredible, but I sincerely hope these kids self - esteem isn’t impacted by the media exposure versus their actual worth as a person and talent as a basketball player. Realistically I don’t think I’d be able to handle that pressure being that young. Shucks, I felt myself struggling to withstand the perception of there being pressure and acceptance as a grown man. But this leads to a greater point: you can't be in your head about what others are thinking, everyone will always have something to say about you, no matter what level. In life, but especially in athletics, you gotta remember opinions are like *fill in the gap* everyone freakin’ has one! The reason I say this now is because I see kids so young being impacted by the opinions of others because of the access to different forms of media. Does it mean it’s of any worth and that you should be impacted by it? “A scream from the haters got a nice ring to it, I guess every superhero need his theme music;” or whatever Kanye said.
But it doesn’t stop there -- so many kids, and athletes altogether are busy over recording their workouts and creating mixtapes off of skill work.. bringing cameramen to every pickup session, to where I feel as if some parts of the games are becoming more materialistic and superficial. Again, is the exposure somewhat of a positive? Yes, this isn’t me throwing shade at any of my brothers that are trainers, or anybody that truly is showcasing their ability on the court; trust me -- I recognize the business and the hustle. Also, everyone has their own unique ways of developing players. I just feel like in the wrong hands, the game becomes gimmicky, somewhat of a mockery. Isn’t the off-season and training time where you become uncomfortable? Where you work on your weaknesses? Put your “blinders on,” and focus on the mountain of work in front of you? Ask yourself: how many would be more content from getting clicks, likes, and comments versus the satisfaction of knowing that they got one step better that day? The reason I state all of that is this: the validation individuals receive from others through the media, often intensifies the many highs and lows we experience. Many people I have spoken to share similar sentiments about this topic.
Conclusion
In short, as I’ve grown and reflected, this year reaffirmed to me that I play the game and do what I do out of love. Not fear. And certainly not clout. As I am heading into my second year, I recognize that every time I step on the court, the weight room, or Lord willing the Yoga mat, it’s an opportunity to rise up; to be a champion. Whether that’s against the best team in the league or the worst. Man, whether that’s playing pick-up with your boys or some old heads at the rec, it’s all an opportunity to have fun and get better.
I will also emphasize the steadfastness you need when undergoing the journey of playing professionally overseas. Everything can move incredibly fast or extremely slow. I can personally tell you all about the agitation of not knowing what country or continent you’re gonna live in, in the next couple of months; or the next couple of days… gosh the amount of sideways looks I received from people when I talk about my current endeavors.. But I do abide by radical faith. Faith in God, and faith in what I’m passionate about. Consistency. Staying in the middle. And for those that GET what I’m talking about — you are the man in the arena. Dare greatly and valiantly. Those around you will always have their criticisms and judgments, but our lives all have their distinctive directions. Lol, how boring would that be if we all just did the same thing right?
In my last couple of days in England, before flying back to the states, I received a call about a tryout opportunity in southwest Germany. The workout was going to take place in less than 2 days time, while my flight back to the states was already booked for less than 13 hours after that back in London…... So what did I do? I flew myself out, and didn’t even make the roster… Do I feel any shame? No. Despite the stress, lack of goodbyes I was able to say, loss of money, and impact on my pride, I made that decision and am doing this lifestyle out of love. I don’t have to put on a facade like so many others are, because when the going gets tough, I’m willing to put everything on the line to pursue my aspirations and actually be something in life.
Bottom line: the reward of overseas and professional basketball is an amazing opportunity that I will continue to do until my body can’t take it anymore. My all is in this pursuit of mine. It is my primary. That’s the only way you can do it. But just know: it is not all glorious. For some, it may be a little harder to adjust than others. But remember, YOU control your mind. You control your thoughts and no one else. Train it. Work on it. Let it rest. Magnify those positive affirmations and self - talk because you are closer to your dreams than you know. You can never get content with the high and never hang your head too low because either way, you’re getting stronger every day. Your current situation is only temporary; so be revived by it. You will eventually reach your goal, but if you don’t take the next step forward you are only delaying yourself. You’d be surprised at how many days throughout the past year when I’d literally be in despair but would take a couple of moments to do some mental refreshers or exercises. The sun rises tomorrow. Hope always wins. The champion continues to ascend.
Kobra Out.